12 hour Clinical Day w/ a hard workout (12 X 400)

I leave in a few for a 12 hour clinical day....at CMC Main 4T. Excited, but anxious.


We'll see how it goes.


6:25 - CMC Main


7pm - Queens/lite Dinner


8-8:15pm - 1.5 mile warm-up 12x400's 1.5 mile warm down


9:30pm - Rest/Eat (Green smoothie)





I ate:


Breakfast


4oz carrot,strawberry,blackberry,rhubarb,kale,orange,


banana,apple smoothie w/ whey protein (70)


Lite Chocolate Soy Milk (70+45= 115)


Kashi Go Lean Crunch (190+115 = 305)

Lunch

Mozza Wrap and fat free ice cream (305 + 700 = 1005)

Snack

Candies and little soda (1005+150=1155)

Small smootie and mini rice cakes (60 +60+1155= 1275)

Large Smoothie (200+1275=1475)

Workout

1 mile warmup, 12 x 400, .5 mile warm down = 4.5 miles (1475-450=1025)

This is when it goes bad:

Chicken Wrap....300

Ice cream,coffee topping,mini rice cakes...250

Cereal w/ chocolate soy milk....300

Cheese puffs & pringels...300

Equals = 2175 egh. will just eat lighter today to balance it out.

October 06, 2008

I ate:

Breakfast

2/3 cup Yogurt with 3.5 rings of Pineapple (102+80=182)

Snack

60 Cal Mini Chocolate Rice Cakes (182+60 = 242)

Lunch

Chef Salad (600 + 242 = 842)

Healthy Request Italian Style Wedding Soup (842 +240 = 1,082)

Snack
None
Crystal light drink (1,082+20 = 1,102)
Run: Ran 5 miles / 450 calories (-450)

Dinner
Tuna Salad ( 1,102 -450 + 240 = 892)
Cottage Cheese and 1 tbsp of jelly (892 +250 = 1,142)
Dessert
Fat Free Sugar Free Ice Cream (1,142+80 = 1,222)

Junior Year . . . My things have changed

Wow...so it was my every intention to come to blog.spot and not know the name of my old blog from almost 3 years ago and immediately it popped up. It shocked me a little and i decided that because it was part of my past, and a person's past helps make up who they are today, I would just keep adding to it. My reasoning for getting on, and feeling like I need to put my thoughts into words is because I have some much I want to achieve and I feel like I'm doing it all, but only getting a third of the benifits. For example, I feel like a runner, running a race, but I'm not pushing off as hard as I can, I'm not picking my feet up off the ground...they are just suffling along. I feel like I'm doing the least possible to "just get by". I'm a second year Nursing student and I've been making 80's, 76's; you know the just passing grades. I want to work hard at everything I do. I feel like I waste time, but then again, I want a chance to relax and take a breather. I joined the cross country team this year and I'm loving it and hateing it at the same time. I have been trainning for a good month now...with a bit of back pain and I'm a little over weight so I feel like the coaches look at me like a joke. I just want to get better. I want to be creditable...I feel like, honestly, I might lie....to make a story seem better, to get out of awakward siituations, to inflate myself, to to make others think I thought of them when I didn't....and at the end of the day I don't feel very good about it. I want to start "new", to start fresh...knowing that I will mess up...but I need to keep my head high, and keep working for Hannah...its my life, and I ask forgiveness for the mistakes I've made. I ask for energy, for vitality, longevity, and peace. I want to achieve all i can.
Mon, Oct 06 7:33am
8am Pool workout
8:45am Breakfast
9am Class
11:15am Shower
11:40am Homework
12:30am Break/ lunch
1:30am Homework
4:10pm - Team Meeting
5pm - Workout
7pm Dinner
8pm Homework
10pm Relax/ Bed

Goals for the day:
Write down everything I eat / If it will be too hard to calculate the calories don't eat it
Drink water ( atleast 2 earthfare bottles)
Run/ Swim like you mean it
Feel pretty
Catch up with cleaning, laundry, homework
Stay motivated, pray, and remember its a beautiful day.
write more about what I've been going through later...pool workout.

Ebb and Flow People

 

Daily something is revealed to me that helps me realize that I know nothing about how the world works and that I know increasingly less about myself, and my place in this world. This feeling of minuteness is nothing new to me, yet this time something is at peace inside me, and I may be finally accepting the fact that I am small, and that I am naive. It feels so good knowing this and being okay with it; don't get me wrong, I want to improve it, change it and grow, but now I am comfortable that it takes time. I am growing patient with myself, and learning to love learning. Its all okay. There is no one more beautiful than yourself. Its not deep, its not even smart, but its me experiencing life for me. . . Not just reading about others experiences and empathic with them throughout the "feet in another's shoes" philosophy.
The ebb and flow of life amazes me. Working at Jason's Deli more than 6 months now, it becomes so easy to get attached to people. This summer Jason's has become my home. I've been working more than 40 hours a week, and these people have become my family. The managers are my big brothers, and fathers. My coworkers are my sisters and brothers. I love them each so dearly. My twin sister works with me, so of course we fight all the time (you know the bickering that lasts 10 mins and the next thing you know we are laughing our heads off together). We've had people come and go, and each time its so difficult, some times being harder than others. Adrian, Jen, Kevin, KC, and many others who I cannot even think of have left since I began in January. Well, the people who came in to replace them are moving on now too, and I have grown to love them so much. I want to scream "Its not fair! Why does life have to always be changing!?" Jason is moving on to the University store, Mike is moving up at our store. I am happy, I guess, that Mike is staying, but I really would rather have Jason stay. Nick is finished with his training and is going back to his store in Huntersville at the end of the week when Jason leaves. It's going to be so different. As employees we are all going off to our pre-summer lives. Elsa is off to Chapel Hill, Clay and Lex are off to Appalachian State, and I am going to Queens University right down the road from Jason's so I don't have to leave, but it is difficult. You know these guys go through so much; Jason began as a delivery driver here in Charlotte, then some where in the story became a catering manager at a Jason's in Raleigh where he met Nick who was a driver going to NC State, and then came here to Charlotte where he began as a manager, and Nick about a month ago came to train at our Jason’s and is leaving to go back to Huntersville, and Jason is going to University. These guys have been all over. I don't know how they keep uprooting and moving. I know its not that far, but still. You'd never know how much certain people mean to you, until they leave. I don't know why I have such a problem with people leaving and saying goodbye. I know good things continue to happen; if Adrian hadn't have left then Jason couldn't have come. I just get content with life and don't want it to change.
All I can do is pray that I get to run into them later in life, or get to build new relationships with them all over again later.

Dear Jason, Dad, Teachers, and Ebb and Flow People,
I can't even begin to describe the fun, the laughs, and the games we had so much fun playing. I have learned so much from our relationships. The finger prints you left on my life will always remain evident and will continuously be apart of who I am and who I am ever developing into. I hope that somewhere down your dusty, bumpy path of life my own path may have the pleasure of colliding into it. I love you, and desire you to know how very much your life means to mine.
Forever and ever know that you have made a difference in my life. Your life is indescribable important. Your every breath is beautiful to me.
Love,
Hannah

Playing on My Ipod:

1.) Awakening
Sara Groves
2.) All these things That I’ve Done
The Killers
3.) Sailing
Christopher Cross
4.) Who I Am
Jessica Andrews
5.) Walk Tall
John Mellencamp
6.)What a Wonderful World
Kenny G & Louis Armstrong
7.)Tears in Heaven
Eric Clapton
8.)Let it Be
John Denver
9.) Sing Mary Sing
Jennifer Knapp
10.) Mother Father
Dave Matthews Band
11.) I Hear the Bells
Mike Doughty
12.)Twilight
Vanessa Carlton
13.) When I Look To The Sky
Train
14.)Hang On
Guster
15.)The Candy Man
Sammy Davis Jr.
16.) Chicago
Sufjan Stevens

Seventy times Seven

I remember forgiveness being so much easier than this. The pain is so much I can hardly stand it. My heart aches. My back hunches, and my neck is sore with tension.
Why has forgiveness gotten harder as I have gotten older?

I feel as if I give and give and give, and then, after I've given until I have nothing but my human body left, she takes that too. I want to scream, "JUST GET OUT OF MY LIFE!". I hate who I am and what I become when she does this to me. I want forgiveness to be easy, desperately I do, and most of the time it is, but with her, its so indescribably hard! I wonder how she could possibly be human. For nearly 18 years I have loved her with nearly every beat of my heart. When we were 8 and she was sent to Two East I was petrified for her. My heart . . . i cannot describe it. I feel weak just thinking about it. When she was taken again when we 14 half of me went with her. My love for her astounds me. My eyes are overflowing just thinking of her. For 10 months we wrote each other; she came home every 5 weeks and each time broke my heart. She wasn't doing any better. That place didn't help her at all. I could only think of her freezing feet in the tents on November nights, her toes curled. Oh, how I would have wrapped my warm blankets around her, and scratched her back. When she returned home and then left for days at a time, she took my heart then, too. Wild parties. Smoke spilling out from under her door. Powder residue on tables, and on credit cards. Bottles. Baggies. Missing money. My heart there too.
I love loving others. It blesses me in a way I can only let my Father describe. But at times it so burns from pain, so blinds me, so intoxicates me, that I feel I can hardly go on. I want her to know how much I love her, I believe in her, care for her. I want her to know how my heart screams to her. What is most painful, above any physical pain I have ever encountered, is knowing she knows the capacity of my love for her and in return, indifference. A pain words themselves, nor screams, or cries, can begin to communicate.
Everyone knows the words of St. Francisis of Assisi, when he says "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace where there is hatred, let me show love, where there is envy, pardon, where there is doubt, faith, where there is despair, hope, where there is darkness light, where there is sadness, joy, o divine master let me not so much seek to be consoled as to console, understood as to understand, to be loved as to love." How my soul so longs to be loved back, but isn't. I believe that is the hardest thing about forgiving her: forgiving her when I know she will only just go and do it again, and doesn't care how that effects me, and more importantly doesn't reciprocate love, affection, or gratitude. I have found that pride is an enormous participant. No matter how many times I feel walked over, pushed around, weakened, or left behind, I must remember that the only one with a love so perfect, so divine, to forgive me of my sin has, and does, and loves me so intensely, my love for Kate is barely a mark on the pages of the greatest love story every told. My love is far from perfect, and each time I fall from the blows, I get back up with a stronger love, and a desire to love her more and more.
I desire to show forgiveness as a child, unblemished, unscarred, and unburned. I desire to love more that I desire to be loved.

Playing on my Ipod:
1.) This Time Around
Helen Stellar
2.) Tasting Forgiveness
Robbie Seay Band
3.)Hands of Time
Groove Armada
4.)Hallelujah
Jeff Buckley
5.)Held
Natalie Grant
6.)Your Grace is Sufficient
Shane & Shane
7.)The Only Living Boy In New York
Simon And Garfunkel
8.)Five Iron Frenzy
SuckerPunch
9.)The Beautiful Letdown
Switchfoot
10.)One
U2
11.)Castles In The Sky
Ian Van Dahl
12.)Fireproof
Pillar
13.) One Pure and Holy Passion
Passion Worship Band
14.)God Bless America
Larry Wayne Morbitt
15.)Sea of Faces
Kutless

The Box Needs Breaking

It has officially been a full week since I graduated from High School. In this week I have learned that this week and the weeks to come are unlike any of the weeks before. Yesterday while on my morning walk I figured out that I was trying to squeeze College into High School. I began imagining what my day was going to be like; Wake up at 6:30 am, go for a run, take a shower, eat breakfast, go to class; eat lunch. . . But then my mind kicked in an said, "Hey, you might have a 7:30 class, and then a 3:00 class, your schedule is not at all going to be the same." For 12 or so years we have developed these habits, its all we can remember, and then one day we're told, "This part of your life is over; here are new habits to learn and get used to." And, as any college graduate knows, these habits too are then finished, and discarded. Just something to ponder . . . Schedules are not bad, they have the potential to teach good behavior and then reinforce them, but a challenge this week, have your schedules, but take them for what there worth, no more. Break outside of the box.

Playing on my Ipod:
1.)"Ants Marching"
Dave Matthews
2.)"Free Falling"
Tom Petty
3.)"Rest Upon Us"
Caedmons Call
4.)"Symphony No. 40"
Mozart
5.)"Make Your Own Kind of Music"
Mama Cass Elliot
6.)"Leave Sometime"
Matchbox 20
7.)Christmas Song
Dave Matthews
8.)Every Time We Touch
Cascada
9.)When I'm 64
The Beatles
10.)My Father's Gun
Elton John

The "Whipped Cream" from my devotions this morning:
"Blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me."
Matthew 11:6
Read Matthew 11:1-19. Imagine being John. Imagine every potential challenge and opportunity for confusion John may have felt.

Quoting Gene Edwards in his great work, "The Prisoner in the Third Cell" he says "The Most excruciating dilemma any devoted child of God ever faces is when your God has not lived up to your expectations." Imagine John in prison, faceing death, pondering this. His heart bleeding over this. Yet Jesus, after being questioned by his cousin, tells all around that John shall be the most important of his followers in the Kingdom of Heaven. What a merciful God we have.
I can only imagine the assassin's sword hitting the stone block, John seeing the promise high and lifted up, seated on the throne, and the train of his robe filling the temple, and God saying to John, "Well done, my son. Very well done. Now have a seat close by and watch the rest of the story with Me."
O how jealous I am of what John has with Jesus! Aren’t you!>?

Off to work. . . Jason's Deli calls.

Gravel Path

I've begun a new path, a gravel path I'm sure. I've just graduated from High School. I feel as if I'm barefoot. Don't get me wrong this new path is exciting, and new. But its scary, I don't know where it leads. I have peace because I am not alone.